Gary Chapman vs. the Bible
This is a Biblical look at Gary’s message, psychology and false teachings, including his lies about “love” languages.
This is a book review of the national and world famous pagan psychology books and “ministry” of Gary Chapman, including the covetousness foundation of his “Five Love Languages”. That may sound like a harsh review, until you see how little he esteems God and His Word. Stick around and you’ll see a lot of things in his books and message that the Bible says are wrong and false teaching, as well as some things you cannot support in his non-Biblical teaching on “love”. In this review, we look at several of his books, including: “Five Love Languages” (original), “Five Love Languages for Children”, “Five Love Languages for Teens”, “Five Love Languages for Singles”, “Five Love Languages” (Men’s Edition), as well as “Five Signs of a Loving Family”, “Covenant Marriage”, and “Desperate Marriages”. Sadly his lies repeat themselves regularly. Please allow us to be clear: his message has some things to glean from (as all teaching true or false does), but his foundation is against the Bible. For instance, in two of Gary’s books, “Covenant Marriage” and “Desperate Marriages”, Gary has many wonderful things to glean from and learn from. Gary even, several times, talks about some of the symptoms of abuse and some ideas, as well as “secular” reasons to avoid divorce. But, the problem is that God’s foundation is removed. Also, Gary avoids quoting much of God’s Word and he also avoids correcting the sins that are the root cause of the conflict –minimally addressing those sins, if at all. In the books and speeches Gary writes, he replaces the Bible with pagan and worldly psychology, and that is as sure a foundation as sand (Matthew 7:24-27).We explain in the following pages. Let’s start by showing some one starting quote that is very sad.
Here is one example:
Likely the most alarming example is how much Gary reduces Jesus to being a wise sage among other wise sages.
“… A third purpose of dating is that it provides an opportunity to serve others. Service is life’s highest calling. History is replete with examples of men and women who discover that humanity’s greatest contribution is in giving to others. Who does not know of Mother Teresa? Her name is synonymous with service. In Africa there was Albert Schweitzer and in India, Mohandas Gandhi. Most people who have studied closely the life of Jesus of Nazareth, the first-century founder of the Christian faith, agree that His life can be summarized by His simple act of washing the feet of His disciples. He Himself said, “I did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give My life as a ransom for many.” He instructed His followers, “Whoever wants to become great among you, must be your servant.” True greatness is expressed in serving…” (direct quote from page 166 of “Five Love Languages – Singles Edition”)
> We look at this quote in more depth several minutes from now.
Whenever we discuss the topic of love, we need to ask ourselves one key question: What is it? How do we define it? And to be more clear: how does God define it for us? Understanding love is a topic that Gary promotes himself as an expert on… but is he right? There are many definitions of the word “love” here in pagan-run lukewarm America. But, most of them can be collected into what would be properly defined as “I *love* you for what I *get* from you”. The core of this replacement of true deep-caring love is selfishness and its foundation is covetousness. This false love is *not* the self-sacrificing deep soul-level love in action, that God describes in living detail in 1st Corinthians 13, and Galatians 5, and Ephesians 5, and 1st Corinthians 6 and 7, and even in 1st Timothy 3. When anyone rejects the Bible as the sure and only foundation, everything else is treated as variations of gray areas of right vs. wrong. Meaning, without the Bible, there is little to no clarity of right or wrong, and therefore there is no foundation at all. So, that is why Biblical foundations, and even Biblical definitions, are so vital to anything in this life, or the life to come (eternity = Heaven or Hell/Lake of Fire). So, if we are looking for a purely Biblical definition of love, God’s Word defines it honestly, and every other major and popular “secular” definition gets it wrong, every time. God the Creator is always honest with us; but all of the men (and women) who are popular with the world will and do lie at least sometimes. That is the difference between the Bible and pagan psychology.
“4 … Indeed, let God be true but every man a liar. As it is written: ‘That You may be justified in Your words, and may overcome when You are judged.’” (Romans 3:4)
“5 Every word of God is pure; He is a shield to those who put their trust in Him. 6 Do not add to His words, Lest He rebuke you, and you be found a liar.” (Proverbs 30:5-6)
So, how does God define love? Well, it would take several other Bible studies to define it – some of which this team and others have written, and some studies are still in the process of being written. What’s sad is that in today’s age, even many so-called pastors don’t teach love from a Biblical perspective, so we understand why this gets confusing for some people. So, for simplicity, let us look briefly at the favorite chapter on “love” in the Bible, 1st Corinthians 13, and then briefly at Ephesians 5. Please also keep in mind that the self-sacrificing deep soul-level form of intentional love is that Greek word “agape” and it is the word and foundation used each time you see the word “love” in these next two passages. Please don’t make the mistake of thinking these two passages are about marriage. They are talking about you loving your neighbor.
“1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. 2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing. 4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away.” (1st Corinthians 13:1-8)
> Notes: we can do a lot of things that the pagan world will call “love”… but when self-sacrificial deep soul-level and heart-level caring is not there, it’s just noise, pride, showing off, and painting the outside of the tomb white. If it’s genuine agape love, it will be pure different from the world’s version, because unbelievers who do not have the Spirit of God cannot express love. God is 100% agape love and only those who are born again (born of the Spirit) can know agape love and show agape love. Please also notice here in 1st Corinthians 13 that we do not have a “definition” per se of agape love. What do we have here? Yep, that’s right – we have a description of what agape love in action will look like in our everyday life, for all people, for all time. Will a self-sacrificial soul-level love be patient? Yes. Will a self-sacrificial soul-level love envy? No. Will a self-sacrificial soul-level love intentionally entertain sinful thoughts in their mind? No. Will that agape love promote their good works to show off to get followers after themselves and popularity with the world to puff up their pride and “self-esteem”? No. Will that kind of deep agape love mistreat people? No. Will that kind of love graciously and boldly warn them to flee from active sin and flee to Christ? Yes. Will that kind of deep agape love rejoice in the truth? Yes. Will that kind of deep sacrificial love try to carry other people’s burdens? Yes. Will that deep abiding agape love offer truth? Yes. Will that deep agape love endure? Yes. Will that deep self-sacrificial agape love give up? Well, humanly speaking… yes, we may give up, but Scripture reminds us to get back up and keep walking and growing in holiness, and that God rewards that. So, our attempt to live out agape love will show times where we stumble… but if we have the Holy Spirit inside us, He will not let us stay there – He will prod us with chastening until we are back walking in holiness and the healthy fear of the Lord. So… will that kind of deep agape love fail? No. Do you see what I mean? And in this short description, I’ve only barely scratched the surface on this chapter. We haven’t even looked at the Greek or other parallel passages that would fill the richness of the depth of the agape love that is a part of Holy God, our Creator and Judge, and that He wants to teach us for agape to be a part of us. So, let us leave that for another time, but I hope those starting notes helped pull the pieces together for you some. Remember though that 1st Corinthians 13 applies to all areas of life, including loving everyone from a stranger to a family member and everyone in between. Simply put – loving our neighbor.
Now, let us look at Ephesians 5 briefly. And different from 1st Corinthians 13, this passage is about agape love in the context of marriage – with Christ as our example. Ephesians 5 is directly talking about marriage – meaning, a husband’s love for his wife and how his role and agape love is supposed to be modeling Christ’s love for the “ekklesia”, the “church” as in the actually genuinely saved believers in Jesus and followers/disciples of Christ. So, with that intro, let us briefly look at this passage from God through Paul to the gathering of believes in the city of Ephesus.
“22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the Word, 27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. 28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. 30 For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. 31 "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." 32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” (Ephesians 5:22-33)
> Notes: in Scripture, God is always placing the emphasis on the shoulders of the man as the leader and, in the case of marriage, the head of the household. So, when people put the weight on the ladies, they are contradicting Scripture. Yes, she has her role and her responsibility, but the majority of the weight in any situation falls on the man first. Who did God call for in the Garden of Eden after Eve was deceived by the serpent and Adam rebelled? Adam (Genesis 3). Who did God set up to be the primary leaders? The men (Genesis 1). Who does Scripture show that God goes to first for accountability? The man (Genesis 7, 12, Exodus 3, etc). Simply put, if the husband is loving his wife and growing in that and growing in holiness, and if Christ is their core and foundation and He is their referee to mediate between and grow both, the marriage works. The marriage covenant is meant to grow two people closer to God and each other, as is raising children to fear the Lord. So, again, to reiterate this key point – when the husband is walking in holiness, God will cause the lady to love and respect her husband. But, when the husband is not walking in holiness (nor honestly trying to grow in holiness), then yes, the wife has a lot harder time giving respect to her husband, because sin is between them. Solve the sin, solve the problem. That works all of the time and in all cases. Some sins are harder to solve because they are multiples of sin-steps (sin-patterns) instead of just one or two sin-choices. But when a man is trying to walk pure before the Lord and seeking Him, then he can properly lead his wife to do the same, and the two of them can work through anything – by holiness and prayer. That is God’s pattern and it works. Sadly… that foundation is nowhere to be found in Gary’s book or teachings on marriage or the supposed “5 Love Languages”.
Do you remember that quote we started with? Yes, that one. Now that we have just looked at two clear passages of Scripture, let’s look at Gary’s words again and review it, Biblically. “… A third purpose of dating is that it provides an opportunity to serve others. Service is life’s highest calling. History is replete with examples of men and women who discover that humanity’s greatest contribution is in giving to others. Who does not know of Mother Teresa? Her name is synonymous with service. In Africa there was Albert Schweitzer and in India, Mohandas Gandhi. Most people who have studied closely the life of Jesus of Nazareth, the first-century founder of the Christian faith, agree that His life can be summarized by His simple act of washing the feet of His disciples. He Himself said, “I did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give My life as a ransom for many.” He instructed His followers, “Whoever wants to become great among you, must be your servant.” True greatness is expressed in serving.” (direct quote from Chapter 10, page 166 of “Five Love Languages – Singles Edition”)
Notes: That is a mix of
garbage, reduction of truth, and a sort of true teaching. First off, although
serving others needs to be one of the key things we focus on in this life, it
must never be devoid of the Word of God and the gospel. If our “good works”
lack the gospel of Jesus and the Bible and a care for the person’s soul to be
in Heaven for eternity and for them to be right with God in life and death, then
those “good works” are empty, as 1st Corinthians 13 shows. Secondly,
why is Gary reducing Jesus to the level of “top servants” of the world,
including “Mother Teresa” and the pagan sages Gandhi and Schweitzer? “Mother Teresa”
was not a God-fearing woman. She gave approval to every evil high-level leader who
donated to her work for the Vatican, as well as supporting the Hindu “temple” in
India. And why did Gary reduce Jesus down to the one-time act of washing His
disciples’ feet? Gary Chapman is very directly (and sadly) reducing Jesus to
one of the great “prophets” of the ages, instead of the Messiah that came to save
peoples from all countries, for all who will repent and put their trust in Him.
Jesus’ greatest “act of service” was His death on the cross… why did Gary overlook
and downplay that? This is one clear proof from Gary’s own words that Gary
Chapman doesn’t believe Jesus is *the* way, but just one way. But, what does
God (in this case Jesus Himself) say?
“6 Jesus said to him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.” (John 14:6)
> Notes: No one, yes no one, gets into Heaven except directly through Jesus Christ. No amount of “good works” can save anyone. “Mother Teresa” the Vatican false teacher and the other two pagan religious false teachers may have done what looked like “good deeds” but they were leading people to Hell, not Heaven. They are not examples to be revered or followed.
“… 10 let it be known to you all, and to all the people of Israel, that by the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth… 11 This is the 'stone which was rejected by you builders, which has become the chief cornerstone.' 12 Nor is there salvation in any other, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.’” (Acts 4:10-12)
“5 For there is one God and one Mediator between God and men, the Man Christ Jesus, 6 who gave Himself a ransom for all, to be testified in due time, 7 for which I was appointed a preacher and an apostle--I am speaking the truth in Christ and not lying--a teacher of the Gentiles in faith and truth.” (1st Timothy 2:5)
> Notes: Gary Chapman rejects the Jesus of God’s Word, to promote a fictional Jesus and the false teaching of ecumenicism and popularity, fame, and money from the world. Gary Chapman rejects Jesus. That’s his own words. And Jesus explained what He will say to those who are ashamed of Him, especially when they call themselves religious teachers and leaders: “38 For whoever is ashamed of Me and My words in this adulterous and sinful generation, of him the Son of Man also will be ashamed when He comes in the glory of His Father with the holy angels.” (Mark 8:38)
But, it gets worse. Do you realize that in this book from this so-called Bible teacher, Gary quotes maybe 1 dozen Bible verses? And do you know what’s worse about that? Every reference where Gary quotes the Bible, each time he reduces it to wise sayings from a wise sage. Let us look at some examples.
“…. The founder of the Christian faith wanted love to be the distinguishing characteristic of His followers…” (Chapter 2, page 21 of “Five Love Languages – Men’s Edition”)
“… One way to express love emotionally is to use words that build up. Solomon, author of the ancient Hebrew wisdom literature, wrote, “The tongue has the power of life and death.” Many couples have never learned the tremendous power of verbally affirming each other. Solomon further noted, “An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.”…” (Chapter 4, page 41 of “Five Love Languages – Men’s Edition)
[direct quote, un-edited]
knew that Ann was a deeply religious person and that she attended church
regularly. I surmised that perhaps her only hope for marital survival was in
her faith. The next day, with Ann in mind, I began to read Luke’s account of
the life of Christ. I have always admired Luke’s writings because he was a
physician who gave attention to details and in the first century, he wrote an
orderly account of the teachings and lifestyle of Jesus of Nazareth. In what
many have called Jesus’ greatest sermon, I read the following words, which I
call love’s greatest challenge.
“I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you… Do to others as you would have them do to you. If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even “sinners” love those who love them.
“It seemed to me that that profound challenge, written almost two thousand years ago, might be the direction that Ann was looking for, but could she do it? Is it possible to love a spouse who has become your enemy? Is it possible to love one who has cursed you, mistreated you, and expressed feelings of contempt and hate for you? And if she could, would there be any payback? Would her husband ever change and begin to express love and care for her? I was astounded by this further word from Jesus’ ancient sermon: “Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”
“Could this ancient principle of loving an unlovely person possibly work in a marriage as far gone as Ann’s?...” (Chapter 12, page 165 of “Five Love Languages – Men’s Edition”)
“… The ancient Hebrew proverb did not overstate the impact of words: “The tongue has the power of life and death.”…” (Chapter 3, page 35 of “Five Love Languages – Singles Edition”)
“… The manner in which we speak is exceedingly important. An ancient sage once said, “A gentle answer turns away wrath.”…” (Chapter 3, page 53 of “Five Love Languages – Singles Edition”)
“… In the ancient Biblical account of Creation…” (Chapter 11, page 183 of “Five Love Languages – Singles Edition”)
“… The desire for intimacy between man and woman is as old as the human race. The best known account of man’s origin is found in the ancient Jewish “Book of Beginnings.”…” (Chapter 5, page 46 of “Five Signs of a Loving Family”)
“… What has happened to the intimacy between Jennifer and Rob? The answer is not elusive. It is as old as human civilization. If I can return to the ancient Jewish account of man’s origins…” (Chapter 5, page 47 of “Five Signs of a Loving Family”)
> Notes: Gary reduces the authority of “It is written” by God Himself (2Timothy 3:16-17; 2Peter 1:20-21), to “ancient writings”. Gary shows again and again that he really doesn’t like looking at God’s Word straight-forward as the True Word of God and the only source of truth, written for our admonition in these last days. Wrong choice, Gary.
“… But a few pages later in that ancient document, we read that the same man and woman sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves after they had disobeyed God. They hid themselves from God and from each other…” (Chapter 5, page 48 of “Five Signs of a Loving Family”)
> Notes: Those are just a few of the examples of this key error, and foundational problem of reducing God’s Word to stories and good “moral lessons”. Please notice, that in each of these quotes, Gary had a good point. The core problem here is that the way Gary quotes the Scriptures, he reduces the Bible to the level of pagan men’s best “wisdom”, instead of God’s Word and explanation of His pure and beautiful character and His holiness, against which we will be held accountable for our willful sins.
Another alarming and very sad gap and error in Gary’s teaching is his lack of understanding and belief in Jesus’ words on salvation. That is especially found when Gary explains how he “got saved”. Gary included it in his “Five Love Languages – Men’s Edition”.
“… The ability to love, especially when your spouse is not loving you, may seem impossible for some. Such love may require us to draw upon our spiritual resources. A number of years ago, as I faced my own marital struggles, I rediscovered my need for God. As an anthropologist, I had been trained to examine data. I decided to personally excavate the roots of the Christian faith. Examining the historical accounts of Christ’s birth, life, death, and resurrection, I came to view His death as an expression of love and His resurrection as profound evidence of His power. I became a true “believer” [quote marks in original]. I committed my life to Him and have found that He provides the inner spiritual energy to love, even when love is not reciprocated. I would encourage you to make your own investigation of the one whom, as He died, prayed for those who killed Him: “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” That is love’s ultimate expression…” (Chapter 14, page 192 of “Five Love Languages – Men’s Edition”)
> Notes: This teaching of feelings-based “faith” is a false gospel, because we are sinners. We need our sins covered by Jesus’ blood. If a person only receives facts about Jesus, but doesn’t repent and find salvation in Jesus’ sacrifice, they are not doing any more than even the devil. For even the devil and his demons believes in God – but it doesn’t change anything they do. “19 You believe that there is one God. You do well. Even the demons believe--and tremble!” (James 2:19)
> [Another example of this reducing the Bible to the level of the other religions, is found in the downplaying of Jesus being the only way, as though Jesus and the Bible are just a little better but basically the same as the false religions, found on page 58 of Chapter 6 of “Five Signs of a Loving Family”]
As you just saw, the other key foundational fracture (more evidence of the lack of Biblical foundation) with Gary Chapman’s teachings is that he focuses close to 100% on the “here and now”. That’s what a book-writer and speaker does when they are entertaining goats and unbelievers and trying to get them to buy their books and come to hear them give pleasant speeches, for a big fat easy paycheck and fame with the world. Does Gary quote the Bible? Barely, he tries really hard not to in most of his books. Of the seven books we looked at, we noticed less than a dozen passages quoted in most of them. The only exception we saw was the “Covenant Marriage” book which had several dozen Scriptures quoted, but again reduced as good moral advice to those of the Christian faith (and others who were curious). Gary’s foundation is sadly, not the Word of God. Gary’s foundation is men’s words and pagan demonic psychology.
And there’s one more key point on that – Gary is constantly building on how to “feel” happy and loved, neither of which he can define Biblically. Occasionally, Gary will use the words “unconditional love”, but that is quickly replaced by the teachings on “getting our love-tanks full” and “feeling loved” and wanting to be “happy together” through life’s “adventures”, as well as “low esteem” and even excusing open sins as logical and part of each person’s “personality”. Ministry and serving the Lord is never even talked about by Gary – just living to enjoy life, in the “here and now”. Sadly, what Gary has built falls under God’s condemnation of the pagan world and false teachers found in 2nd Timothy 3 God told Paul what false teachers would be like in the last days. Here is what God told Paul, the apostle: “1 But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: 2 For men will be lovers of themselves, loves of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, 3 unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, 4 traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away! 6 For of this sort are those who creep into households and make captives of gullible women loaded down with sins, led away by various lusts…” (2 Timothy 3:1-6) That is Gary. Sadly he’s teaching people to be very clever in chasing sinful and/or worldly “pleasures” instead of God, and it shows up in many ways. He’s teaching people to look like good moral people, without the foundation. And sadly, Gary uses God in his book as something to help good people who make “mistakes” get better. You can make a person become or look moral, but if that’s all you do for him or her, you are sending them to Hell and the Lake of Fire forever while living self-deceived here. Helping people to “get the most out of life here” is far different from Jesus’ words: “23 If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me.” (Luke 9:23) What Gary is preaching is, simply put, a false gospel in 3 different ways.
With those brief examples, now you can see how the very foundation of this Gary’s books and teachings is/are broken (or worse), and he is quite literally building on the sand of man’s approval (Matthew 7:24-27), instead of the foundation of the salvation covenant through/because of Jesus’ death on the cross, built on God’s Holy True Word. As you can see, Gary has much to say – and he makes a lot of helpful statements and his stories have plenty to glean from… but the foundation is the world’s “wisdom” vs. God’s Word. We need to ask ourselves: does Gary know what God’s Word says about salvation, discipleship, and sanctification? Yes, because he seems to have plenty of Bible knowledge (shown in at least 2 of his books). So, that proves that Gary actively rejects the whole topic of repentance as a daily walk and discipleship. When Gary rejects Jesus’ teachings, Gary is rejecting Jesus too.
It would take quite a few more pages to cover the many errors Gary builds on this false foundation. But, let us look at a few more highlights.
To his shame, Gary quotes several pagan psychologists to make his points, including an Italian man named Leo Buscaglia. Here is one quote of Gary’s from Leo. [quoted directly as written in the book]
“… “I agree with Professor Leo Buscaglia, who said,
“Psychologists, psychiatrists, sociologists, anthropologists, and educators have suggested in countless studies and numerous research papers that love is a “learned response, a learned emotion.”… Most of us continue to behave as though love is not learned but lies dormant in each human being and simple awaits some mystical age of awareness to emerge in full bloom. Many wait for this age forever. We seem to refuse to face the obvious fact that most of us spend our lives trying to find love, trying to live in it and dying without ever truly discovering it.…” (Chapter 1, page 19 of “Five Love Languages – Singles Edition”)
to his shame, Gary quotes Socrates as though he’s a scholar to be looked up to.
“Socrates said, “If I could get to the highest place in Athens, I would lift up my voice and say: ‘What mean ye, fellow citizens, that ye turn every stone to scrape wealth together, and take so little care of your children to whom ye must one day relinquish all?’…” (Chapter 11, page 111 from “Five Signs of a Loving Family”)
> Notes: In both quotes, Gary relies on men to teach morals, and not even correcting their subtle errors or reductions of honesty about sin. Yes, parents need to be teaching their children. That is not the key problem. The key problem is *what* the parents should be teaching their children. Because when parents refuse to submit to God, the Creator and Judge of the whole universe, before whom everyone must give an account, then they have much less of value to teach their families – only for the temporary life here on earth, and nothing about preparing for Heaven and avoiding the Lake of Fire for all of eternity.
- But God says:
“22 And you will be hated by all for My name's sake. But he
who endures to the end will be saved. 23 When they persecute
you in this city, flee to another. For assuredly, I say to you, you will not
have gone through the cities of Israel before the Son of Man comes. 24 A
disciple is not above his
teacher, nor a servant above his master. 25 It is enough for a
disciple that he be like his teacher, and a servant like his master. If they
have called the master of the house Beelzebub, how much more will they call those of his
household! 26 Therefore do not fear them. For there is nothing
covered that will not be revealed, and hidden that will not be known. 27 Whatever
I tell you in the dark, speak in the light; and what you hear in the ear,
preach on the housetops. 28 And do not fear those who kill the body
but cannot kill the soul. But rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul
and body in Hell.”
This happens far too often to quote, in various different ways. But another key missing piece (even foundational piece) that keeps showing up in Gary’s teachings is the lack of even addressing key issues that break apart relationships, and especially marriages - as sin. Meaning, Gary refuses to call sin “sin”.
are just three examples:
“… It is for the benefit of everyone if the drivers in our society obey the rules of driving on the right side, driving under the speed limit and driving sober.
“There are similar rules in all areas of society. Such rules are necessary if a society is to operate in an orderly manner. We simply cannot do what seems right in our own eyes. We must be committed to civil authority and seek to obey civil rules…” (Chapter 13, page 133 of “Five Signs of a Loving Family”)
> Notes: The government treats speeding, drunk-driving, and reckless driving as offenses that must be punished, because the consequences would involve death if everyone were to disregard these laws. But, Gary whitewashes it as compliance for the benefit of everyone.
“… For some single women their unspoken lifestyle objective is to “turn the heads” of the men they encounter. And many single men are happy to turn their heads. Those who proceed further and give their attention to the production or purchase of skin magazines often find themselves addicted to this impersonal, disconnected perception of members of the opposite sex. When this becomes a fixed perception, then one ceases in the truest sense to be human. He or she becomes an animal with his toys or allowing one’s self to be a toy with which another animal plays…” (Chapter 10, page 162 of “Five Love Languages – Singles Edition”)
> Notes: But, Romans 1:18-32 tells everyone that those sins are so serious that God sends His wrath on those sinners who violate God’s commands against sexual immorality of all types. God doesn’t say we can become animals. God holds us responsible as thinking humans, made in His likeness. It is not ignorance that leads someone into pornography or sexual immorality. It is a person’s sin-drive and anger against the consequences. It is a willful rebellion against their God-given conscience, God Himself, the Bible and truth. Some can repent – but not without lifelong consequences. 1st Corinthians 6 and 7 teach a lot about this. They need to be taught more often.
“… Few men, suffering from an empty emotional love tank, leave their marriage until they have prospects of meeting that need somewhere else.
“Brent was honest and revealed that he had been in love with someone else for several months. He had hoped that the feelings would go away and that he could work things out with his wife. But things at the home had gotten worse, and his love for the other woman had increased. He could not imagine living without his new lover.
“I sympathized with Brent in his dilemma. He sincerely did not want to hurt his wife or his children, but at the same time, he felt he deserved a life of happiness…” (Chapter 10, page 149 of “Five Love Languages – Men’s Edition”)
> Notes: Gary sympathizes with that evil man to allow or accept that man’s evil behavior as logical. But, in the Old Testament, God commanded that a man who was doing this would be put to death, and in the New Testament God’s wrath is on this man and everyone else who is living lawless like him. That man is going to Hell unless he repents. This guy shows by his actions that his words are a lie - he doesn’t care about his wife of his new “lover”. He just uses people to get his selfish and self-driven wants. That is wrong and evil.
In all three examples there, you see how Gary made sure not to call sin “sin”. But, Scripture has lists of sins for a reason, namely that all men and women are prone to reduce their rebellious and harmful actions against God and man to just “mistakes” and “errors” and “accidents”. Adam and Eve did this in the Garden of Eden after rebelling against God, and we as their descendants do it too – and we have to unlearn that. But, God does not and cannot overlook willful sin – it has to be punished, either on the soul of the person forever in the Lake of Fire, or on Jesus’ cross once for all – to each person who obtains forgiveness for their sins through the blood of Christ, the “covenant of the cross”.
Exodus 20, Proverbs 6:16-19, Romans 1, 1st Corinthians 6 and Galatians 5 are just 3 of the passages where God describes sin in detail.
“7 Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. 8 For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life. 9 And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.” (Galatians 6:7-9)
“9 The heart is deceitful above all things, And desperately wicked; Who can know it?” (Jeremiah 17:9)
God calls “wanting another woman” as committing adultery against the husband’s wife. That issue is *not* trivial to God, but is very serious to Him. Why is this type of sin so trivial to Gary?
“27 You have heard that it was said to those of old, 'You shall not commit adultery.' 28 But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into Hell.” (Matthew 5:27-30)
“‘16 Wash yourselves, make yourselves clean; Put away the evil of your doings from before My eyes. Cease to do evil, 17 Learn to do good; Seek justice, Rebuke the oppressor; Defend the fatherless, Plead for the widow. 18 Come now, and let us reason together,’ Says the LORD, ‘Though your sins are like scarlet, They shall be as white as snow; Though they are red like crimson, They shall be as wool.’” (Isaiah 1:16-18)
“9 What then? Are we better than they? Not at all. For we have previously charged both Jews and Greeks that they are all under sin. 10 As it is written: "There is none righteous, no, not one; 11 There is none who understands; There is none who seeks after God. 12 They have all turned aside… 16 Destruction and misery are in their ways; 17 And the way of peace they have not known." 18 "There is no fear of God before their eyes." 19 Now we know that whatever the law says, it says to those who are under the law, that every mouth may be stopped, and all the world may become guilty before God… For there is no difference; 23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 being justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus…” (Romans 3:10-24)
For those who still wish to downplay sin to just “missing the mark”, God explains it more clearly in Romans 5 along with a wonderful offer: “8 But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8) That word there “sinners” literally means: enemies and rebels in the Greek. While we were Christ’s enemies, He died for us, so that those who repent and put their faith in Jesus and make a covenant with Him will find their sins blotted out and them adopted into Jesus’ family.
“10 He was in the world, and the world was made through Him, and the world did not know Him. 11 He came to His own, and His own did not receive Him. 12 But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, to those who believe in His name: 13 who were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God. 14 And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth.” (John 1:10-14)
“26 And as they were eating, Jesus took bread, blessed and broke it, and gave it to the disciples and said, ‘Take, eat; this is My body.’ 27 Then He took the cup, and gave thanks, and gave it to them, saying, ‘Drink from it, all of you. 28 For this is My blood of the new covenant, which is shed for many for the remission of sins. 29 But I say to you, I will not drink of this fruit of the vine from now on until that day when I drink it new with you in My Father's Kingdom.’ 30 And when they had sung a hymn, they went out to the Mount of Olives.” (Matthew 26:26-30)
One last quote and topic from Gary:
“… Ours has been called the “Throwaway Society”. We buy our food in beautiful containers, which we then throw away. Our cars and household appliances quickly become obsolete. We give our furniture to the second-hand shop not because it is no longer functional, but because it is no longer in style. We even “throw away” unwanted pregnancies. We sustain business relationships only as long as they are profitable to the bottom line. Thus, it is no shock that our society has come to accept the concept of “throwaway marriage”. If you are no longer happy with your spouse, and your relationship has run upon hard times, the easy thing to do is abandon the relationship and start over.
“I wish I could recommend divorce as an option. When I listen to the deeply pained people in my office and at my seminars, my natural response is to cry, “Get out, get out, get out! Abandon that loser and get on with your life.” That would certainly be my approach if I had purchased a bad stock. I would get out before the stock fell further. But a spouse is not a stock. A spouse is a person… Now you have a history together. You may even have parented children together. No one can walk away from a spouse as easily as he or she can sell a bad stock…”
> Notes: Sadly, again, Gary refuses to work with God’s Word as the starting point, he is again only talking about symptoms. You see, a clash in a marriage has a lot more to do with secret selfish and self-centered desires of an active sin-nature as well as a collection of activities that feed that sin-nature, than it does with the immediate clash or a “loss of love” or the “love tank being empty”, etc, etc. Those who chase their sin-pleasures also lie to the people they use – that happens regularly, especially with those who are not honestly saved. The problem starts with the foundation. Usually these clashes are fueled majorly by at least one of the spouses (husband or wife) not being genuinely saved and having the Holy Spirit inside them and teaching them and being the Referee between them. Additionally, their individual drives and plans and patterns of doing things that the world calls “normal” and “fun” also causes clashes. Gary overlooks all of that, but if you are going to seriously help someone, you have to start here. Let’s look at what God says.
“15 Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. 16 For all that is in the world--the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life--is not of the Father but is of the world. 17 And the world is passing away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides forever.” (1st John 2:15-17)
Those who are living for the desires of the sinful flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life are going to find conflict – it’s a natural consequence of fighting for one’s own self-centered desires. When you don’t address that, you are short-sighted or spiritually blind.
What is really wrong with this teaching from Gary (and many other spiritual leaders) is that he is encouraging people to live for this world, and fight to find happiness in this life. But, God already told us that this world and all of its pleasures are going to be burned up – forever (2nd Peter 3). And those who chase pleasure will suffer loss in eternity, some of them getting to Heaven so as by fire (1st Corinthians 3), and others not getting into Heaven at all – as the unsaved 3rd soil false converts will be (Matthew 13:22; Matthew 7:21-23).
Let’s look at what God says is important. God through Peter explains that plainly in 2nd Peter 1.
“5 But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, 6 to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, 7 to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love. 8 For if these things are yours and abound, you will be neither barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. 9 For he who lacks these things is shortsighted, even to blindness, and has forgotten that he was cleansed from his old sins. 10 Therefore, brethren, be even more diligent to make your call and election sure, for if you do these things you will never stumble; 11 for so an entrance will be supplied to you abundantly into the everlasting kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.” (2nd Peter 1:5-11)
God calls those who are not actively growing in those characteristics of holiness – shortsighted, even to blindness. But Jesus explained it more plainly.
“13 But He answered and said, ‘Every plant which My heavenly Father has not planted will be uprooted. 14 Let them alone. They are blind leaders of the blind. And if the blind leads the blind, both will fall into a ditch.’” (Matthew 15:14)
If the spiritually blind lead the spiritually unsaved, then yes they will both fall into ditches together. God’s only discussion with an unbeliever is his/her need to repent and find salvation through Jesus Christ. God through James explains this too.
“1 Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members? 2 You lust and do not have. You murder and covet and cannot obtain. You fight and war. Yet you do not have because you do not ask. 3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures. 4 Adulterers and adulteresses! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Whoever therefore wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. 5 Or do you think that the Scripture says in vain, ‘The Spirit who dwells in us yearns jealously?’ 6 But He gives more grace. Therefore He says: ‘God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble.’” (James 4:1-6)
Willful sin that we fight for is the root cause of all battles. If one person is walking pure before God but is still getting attacked, that will fall more into the persecution category, but there is still something God is working to teach them too. If both sides fix the root of sin, then they have resolved a lot of the barrier in communication – in any relationship. Jesus explained it this way:
“34 Jesus answered them, "Most assuredly, I say to you, whoever commits sin is a slave of sin. 35 And a slave does not abide in the house forever, but a son abides forever. 36 Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed.” (John 8:34-36)
We are a slave of righteousness or a slave of sin – those are our only two options here on sin-cursed earth. But, if we grow in holiness, we will find both a warmth of richness of fellowship with God, likeminded believers, and God’s blessing growing on our lives and Him using us more to turn others from sin to Jesus. As God says in Proverbs:
“6 In mercy and truth Atonement is provided for iniquity; And by the fear of the LORD one departs from evil. 7 When a man's ways please the LORD, He makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.” (Proverbs 16:6-7)
So, what should we do? What is our starting point? Proverbs 9 explains.
“10 The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, And the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.” (Proverbs 9:10) Job 28 explains more: “28 And to man He said, 'Behold, the fear of the Lord, that is wisdom, And to depart from evil is understanding.'” (Job 28:28) And God says it again in Romans 12: “9 Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good.” (Romans 12:9)
We need to let our love for Christ be without hypocrisy – abhor and turn from what is evil (do not entertain yourself with it). And cling to what is holy and honest and truth and moves you to cutting edge active growth in holiness.
And, the best part is that God shows us how to obtain this deep level of covenant with Him in 2nd Corinthians 6.
“14 Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? 15 And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever? 16 And what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For you are the temple of the living God. As God has said: ‘I will dwell in them and walk among them. I will be their God, And they shall be My people.’ 17 Therefore ‘Come out from among them and be separate, says the Lord. Do not touch what is unclean, And I will receive you.’ 18 ‘I will be a Father to you, And you shall be My sons and daughters, Says the LORD Almighty.’ 1 Therefore, having these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God.” (2nd Corinthians 6:14-7:1)
That is it. God desires a covenant from us and with us. But, we cannot hold onto the wicked ways of the world and our favorite sin-wants and desire for earthly trinkets and to become comfortable lukewarm and lazy. We are going to have to choose.
“21 And Elijah came to all the people, and said, ‘How long
will you falter between two opinions? If the LORD
is God, follow Him; but if
Baal, follow him.’ But the people answered him not a word.”
(1st Kings 18:21)
“24 No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon.” (Matthew 6:24)
Everything we do will be judged – by Jesus (including every idle word, Matthew 12:36) as explained in 1st Corinthians 3, or at the Great White Throne for Judgment. Which Throne will you be at? Make your choice now to turn from sin and throw it out of your hands and to give your life fully to Jesus and to make that covenant with Him to allow Him to teach you His holy ways, so you can have the peace that comes with pure and holy living, and so He can use you as a clean and pure vessel to lead others away from sin and more fully to Christ. Amen?
“20 Now then, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were pleading through us: we implore you on Christ's behalf, be reconciled to God.” (2nd Corinthians 5:20)
In conclusion, there are far more quotes and topics to discuss, but this gives you the highlights so you can study it out and work on discerning other things that may have been confusing you. In this review, you have seen that Gary Chapman’s foundation for all of his teaching is based on seeking earthly pleasures instead of God, and on the foundation of men’s foolish wisdom and excusing sin, instead of God’s Holy Word. We hope and pray this will help you evaluate not just his psychology false teachings, but many others like him. We cannot build on the world’s pagan “wisdom” and God’s at the same time – God will allow satan to test us until we choose who’s side we will be on: God’s side, or satan’s side, and every day we are making that choice. What choice does your pattern of lifestyle show you are choosing? Do you like that choice? If not, ask God to show you how to change that. Then set down the sin-filled entertainment, addictions, and non-Christian influences that are hurting you, and pick up the Bible. Read Jesus’ words in Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, and read it several times through. Then read through the whole New Testament. Studying the Word of God and taking notes from it as you go and obeying what you read will give you a much strong foundation for salvation, life, marriage, and family. Every day. In all situations. We pray this review has been a blessing to you and encouraged (even challenged) you to dig deeper in the Word of God, and to make sure your covenant with Christ is active and growing, so you can have wisdom in every other area of life. If you found this helpful, please share it with your friends so they can learn from God’s Word too to discern and get away from false teaching too.
Heavenly Father, we always grieve when we find false teaching that has confused us or others. Help us. Teach us how to discern more clearly, and teach us how to warn others to watch out for satan’s smooth lies that sound so appealing. Teach us how to let go of more sin, and to become more fully your servants, ambassadors so that You can use us to plead with and lead other souls to You in the coming days. We know the days are short, but please teach us to be faithful with every day, as best as we can – growing one day at a time, and one step at a time. We love You, and thank You, and praise You, in Jesus’ Name, amen.
May the Lord bless you as you seek and serve Jesus, the Christ,
The team at www.RestoreMBI.com